Yeps, and that's all you'll ever know about it, Loser.
You wouldn't last five minutes up here, and you know it.
Helsinki is the capital city of Finland, the world's happiest country five years on the trot. You live in a world of shit with no way out bar suicide. Your streets are filled with miserably unhappy people starving for a chance, and that's just the natives. You've also got a couple of hundred thousand blow-ins from every shit-hole country on the planet costing you and yours an arm and a leg to allow them to squat in misery along the canal in a rather wealthy area of the city currently losing capital value as result of their presence.
Your government tried to clean them out three times so far in massive operations involving multiple departments, and guess what?
Yeps, they were back again a few hours later.
That must be soul destroying? Especially when you couple it with a government that hates your fucking guts and consider you all a waste of fucking time and money. Contrast that with
MY quality of life? I'm absolutely free, as content and happy as I could be with every choice I've made since twenty-five years ago. I knew then that Ireland was finished (before she even started) and Finland was on the ascent. So I made my choices, took the bit and ran with it and made it clean out of Ireland with money in my pockets. The life I've built up here is one I couldn't have possibly even dreamed of as a child in Ballyfermot, the salt of the earth and most despised of Irish people.
Other people's expectations never meant shit to me: I watched you losers trying to make the most of a seriously bad lot, and guess what? You shoveled it up like the navvie twats you are. Me? I saw what was happening and played my cards accordingly: when the very last of the good times began to appear on the horizon is exactly when I jumped ship. Like a Titanic survivor, I swam to shore here and made Finland my home. Since I got here, things have only ever gotten better and sweeter and more satisfying the more I compared it to life in Ireland.
No wonder you fools hate me.
If I was in your shoes, I'd probably feel the same.
But then again I'm not you, thank fuck.
I'm the Mowl - and you twats STILL can't figure out how to handle me.
So rest assured: Helsinki really is nice. If nice means happy, clean, safe, contented, cared for, included, wanted, needed, and inclusive to any hard working and willing new arrival. The chances of any of you
EVER coming up here are zero. You wouldn't be able to order yourself a beer in the local tongue. You could study it for years and still not be able to hold a simple conversation about the game, the new album, where to go, what to do, or otherwise. So lap it up, suckers. You live in a rat-infested dump of an island teeming with dangerous men from strange places wandering your streets day and night, stabbing your children, raping your women, robbing everything not nailed down. You're surrounded with them and there are even more on the way.
If you can't understand why Finland's not having any of those problems, great - I don't want you to: it might put ideas into your tiny minds.
Suffice it to say that the one thing that makes a visit to Finland difficult for any holiday-maker/adventurer/immigrant is definitely the language. That and the weather. Oh, and the seasons. Oh, yes - and the way of life. And the happiness we take for granted. Imagine you all still spoke Irish? What differences do you think it might make? Imagine 100% of Irish-born people all spoke Gaelic? How would that shape your society? Your employment? Your place in your society? See, the one thing that makes Finland unattractive to any sponger from anywhere around the world in the Finnish language. You fools speak your colonizer's language. And you still haven't recovered from their occupation either: like a bad hangover, there are still Paddies and Biddies out there who 'hate the Brits' even if they can't exactly put their finger on why.
So lap it up, suckers: I'm smiling, laughing out loud actually, and the sun's cracking the stones outside while many trees haven't even begun to bud yet.Three weeks ago, I walked out into a snowstorm that dropped twenty-five centimeters of snow an hour. Now we're sunbathing. Crap, isn't it? I mean crap for you, like. Me? I'm the happiest Irish man in Finland. Surrounded by babes, beaches and forests full of them. And they like to have their fun too, y'know?
Any plans for weekend, lads?
Staying in with a slab of imported beer, twenty fake smokes, and your electronic device?
I'm hosting a rooftop party tonight at 2000: two saunas booked (one for boys one for girls) the entire rooftop reserved, panoramic views of the city and county, lots of steaks and chicken wings on the barbie, a large fridge to cool your drinks, seating for fourteen with a dance area and a DJ rig. But that's nothing on the party I'm attending on Saturday night: that joint has a studio in the basement.
Keep dreaming, suckers - and I'll keep laughing at you.