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Arsefield's Hall of Shame

I wish your average Arsefielder would ever fuck off and join Dan in America, where they belong - Ireland would be a much better country without them.

I'm sure they would if they could. These fuckers are simply lazy yaps who love to let off steam by convincing each other that they're actually soldiers, friends, team-mates of a sort. Like the extremist wing of a gang of fools who don't know what they're fighting for. 'Send them all back' you say? Keep Ireland for the Irish you say? It's already your island, you're just not very good at protecting her borders. You seem to think that part's someone else's fault. It isn't. It's yours, all of you. As individuals, as collectives. Or were you twats under the impression that the events of the period 1916 through 1922 were fought by mythical warriors of old? The Tuatha Dé Danann? Cú Chulainn? Fuck no: these were ordinary men during an extraordinary time. They ate, drank, farted, slept, and breathed just like you do. They had families around them: brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers. They lived in a very difficult time of Ireland's history, and they did what needed to be done not because they were mythical heroes, but because they were simple men. Like any other. Like you - perhaps.

But where they differed was that they were also men of action. These were not men who sat around reading fantasy tales of wealth and power. These were men of the dirt who knew how bad they and their neighbours had it. Who saw the culture of the country being ravaged before their eyes. They took up arms to defend what they believed to be their own. The ground beneath their feet. The sunlight that ripened the barley. The winds that carried the news of more and more dead, enslaved, treated with contempt. All of it. It belonged to them and to others of their kind.

In time the generations that followed ultimately delivered you bastards to the world, and for as long as you've been here, nothing's improved and everything's far worse than it really ought to be. Under your watch, not mine. I did my bit long before I got out. By the time I was thirteen, men went to prison because of me, and others of my kind. Salt of the Earth people. Morally aware and unwilling to stand in line. I did what I had to do and it showed me exactly what Ireland truly is. Which is why I'm much happier today than any of you tramps will ever be. You built your house with hate, filled them with loathing, and you poisoned your kids and turned them into destructive thieving parasites with nothing left to believe in. They have no sense of who they are, where they're from, or what their true culture really is. As parents, you're the ones ultimately responsible for not just those kids' past - but their future. And you're shitting all over them day after day.

What if James Connolly or Padraic Pearse decided that, instead of heading up a revolution and causing their families no amount of shame and embarrassment around the parish pump, they were going to stay home and play tiddlywinks? Where would you be now? What if the Irish Civil war hadn't created the fractured patterns of Fianna Fail and Fine Gael? Who and what would you be following or supporting today? These things happened because real and true Irish men stood up on their own two feet and made it happen. They didn't spend years sending messages back and forth to each other reminding each other what great heroes they are for 'wanting things to be different' and telling each other what great men they are.

You twats sit on your arses day after day, repeating the same tired old lines about comradeship, shared visions of freedom and great riches made off the land. By comparison to the great Irish men of one hundred years ago, you cretins are the spastic vermin which should have been confined to the abortion bucket. You should have been plucked from your mother's womb while she was alive to see it. The Ireland you're presently sucking off is a cheap whore with rank diseases, and you've only gone and infected not just yourselves, but your kids along with you. The older you get, the more they're going to loathe you, wish you were dead, wish you were gone so that they can take some compensation for the misery you dumped on their shoulders by selling off everything you ever worked for. Which ain't much, boys. Expect to be 'accidentally' poisoned. Expect to be accidentally nudged down the stairs. Expect them to sit you down to have a wee chat about why euthanasia is a wonderful option for people your age, a great freedom you battled for and won. Expect your own victory to be the death of you.

Because yours is the single worst/most useless generation your country has ever seen. Yours is the one generation that had it all in the palms of your hands but you flushed it all away like yesterday's left-overs. You have nothing left to offer your children. You're spending their inheritance on lottery tickets and on horses down the bookies. Gambling away the one good thing you had to stand to you after your time is up. And they can see you doing it. They know exactly what's coming down the line for them because of it, and they know exactly who's to blame. They can barely contain their rage and loathing even now, and over time that's only going to increase. When they stop to consider your life and your achievements by your age, by when you were born through to when you died, by what you saw, what happened on your watch, the world as it was in your time, and what you did or didn't do about it - they'll be angry. They'll be raging.

It's already started, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Like a snowball gathering weight and speed, like an avalanche moving faster than the speed of sound, there's nowhere to hide, no safe perch on the fence. The cracks are beginning to show and like melting ice under your feet, it'll eventually crack and pull you under, swallow you whole.

You may find yourselves considering Feeney's bullshit yesterday about how you're all going to simply walk away when things get too tough, become too hard to fix, change, alter, or cut to fit. That emigration to 'safe havens' like Norway, Iceland, and Finland are actually an option? You fucks are dumber than a sack of bent wrenches. None of these are options for you - not a one. You speak only one language. You're too old to start afresh. There's nothing for you in any of these places. These are some of the world's most difficult and complex cultures in which to assimilate. I know, I've been through it. Take it from me: not one of you sad bastards has a fucking hope in hell of getting off that shitty little island and into any of the western world's most successful republics and democracies.

You think Norway needs you? They have the oil, you don't. A beer costs around fifteen euro average. Do you speak any Norwegian? What do you think is your best qualification that they can put to use? Ever been to Reykjavik? Ever sat naked in a thermal pool atop a glacier? Speak any Icelandic? Like Bjork? What have you to offer Iceland? Can you fish for whale? Find a revolutionary use for all that snow and ice? Or were you planning on using up your life savings retiring into the Nordic life?

These countries don't need you. They don't want you. They don't give a flying fuck what your best intentions are either - because you have precisely nothing whatsoever to offer them. They'll turn you around and send you home while trying not to laugh at your preposterous stupidity in imagining they have a warm welcome waiting for you because you're Irish? Excuse my laughter - but you're just too fucking idiotic for anything else.

You really haven't thought any of this through, you utter losers. Nobody wants any of you. The entire planet knew the Ireland of old as a rather different kettle of fish to the one that exists now, along with the people on it. Nobody wants to take any of you in. Nobody needs you, not even your own kids. They're watching you watching everything fall apart. They're wondering why you don't do something, anything, before it's too late. That'll only bring them closer to the idea that you're a dead weight; steerage at best. They can replace you with any inanimate object of weight. You're nothing more than a liability and unnecessary expense on their already over-burdened lives. When they glance at the clock to check the time, it's with you in mind: they're counting down the last seconds of your miserable lives. The same misery you'll leave them in your last will and testament.

That's why they loathe you.

That's why they want you gone.

So they can make their own mistakes - not spend eternity trying to fix yours.

Time's up, Lads - finish your drinks, and don't let the door hit you in the arse as you leave.
 
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Aww, Dan deleted my posts about his proposed "Manson family" set up on an acre of bog.

Saw that earlier as it was happening. I was surprised Roundy let it happen at all, the fat fuck.

Still, the Wayback Machine's great for kicking hindsight in the teeth.

The grabs you posted haven't even happened yet in this time zone: later today, you'll totally score.



Must have been a bit too close to the bone for him.

That fat bastard eats the skin, the meat, and the bones.

Nothing goes to waste.

Not even the gristle.
 
Actually, when you download the historic/wayback web page for that post, it also delivers this spread of code:



Within the code, there's a link to this site which isn't part of Roundy's thread or any comments in it, no idea why. Colm was great with decoding these things and grabbing any information therein for online use. I found a link at the end of one line of code and opened it to see where it took me. This is where:


Curious, eh.

''Influential. Investigative. Independent. A member-supported not-for-profit outlet reporting on the European Union. Join us: https://t.co/aMUu2rSQvv"
 
I had posted this tweet on the thread earlier with the link to Euro Observer.


I had wondered if they would put their heads together and draft a letter constructively setting out their grievances and suggesting some solutions to those grievance that they thought the EU Commission should implement..

 
Ahh, perhaps that bit was deleted by the wonderfully obliging staff at the fat man's gay bar?

Because it's not there now.
 
Yeah, all they want to do is commiserate in an echo chamber, they're not actually interested in doing anything constructive, can't say I didn't try.

"... It’s pretty clear that websites like Sarsfields are breeding grounds for people who are just enraged at their situation, it’s there that people find the reasons their lives aren’t as they had hoped and Sarsfields helps them find the enemy that is standing in their way – whether it be Jews, African Americans, immigrants and so on,” said Beirich. “Unfortunately it’s not very surprising that people who live in this kind of stew of violent racism eventually pick up a gun and do something about it at some point...”.

All their talk of opting out of society entirely, forming a kind of "Manson family" under fat Dan, is just another way of feeling sorry for themselves.

Granted, as that chap noted above in my quote, some of them do eventually pick up a gun. Remember our own Jambo on here put it when he was over there likewise back with his Sarsfields mates, all feeling sorry for themselves:

"... If you want to have a nationalist site then you should be prepared to be an outlaw.. because nationalism is HIGHLY illegal... You want nationalism? Well then you better be prepared to take up a gu.. eh, sorry, don't want to say anything illegal... That's it, it's Game Over. I have no hope left. But if you want.. You better stop being scared about fucking talking about it.. because you're a racist... And every (subversive) geebag, who ever used that term (I know literally dozens on Irish political fora) will, when the glorious time comes, be put up against a wall and held accountable. May God have mercy...".
('Jambo' aka James Dawson)

🔫
 
Oh no, how long was he left to binge watch Morboing, Doods and Nugget with no other outlet?
I suppose he could be up to much worse than just watching videos on repeat of his favourite white supremacists. E.g.

buffalo-shooter-diary-057.jpg


Fingers (and toes) crossed that he's sticking to the videos.
 
Perhaps Jambo's gone ahead of the rest of the troops on a sort of reconnaissance mission, checking out their chosen destinations of retreat for when the shit hits the fan? They were talking about heading up to Iceland, Norway, and even Finland - like these countries have an open-door policy for fleeing Irish gnomes and fatties who need refuge after their homelands were overtaken by the black man. That there's a special place in every white man's heart for the misfortunate and blighted Irish whose nationalist dreams crashed onto the rocks and sank the shitty little island once and for all.

They say this in all seriousness too.



'Right lads, it's all over - grab your gear and let's go.'

And so they embark on a magical journey from Hell, fleeing Dublin to Holyhead on the SeaLink, on to Felixstowe for the ferry over to Gothenburg, then across the Swedish badlands and finally into Stockholm port to catch the ferry to Finland, where they'll be expecting a hero's welcome from the hardy but gullible Finns who'll take them in, give them salmiakki to warm the bones, rye bread and cheese, traditional potato pies, viini, viina, lots of olut, some reindeer cutlets with a nice mushroom sauce, and some moose for dessert. The type with huge horns and tiny brains.

Then it's into the coolth of the lake for a wash, all the lads giggling and cupping their little willies beneath the rolls of flab as they climb out and try to figure out what the fuck a sauna is. Where to sit. What to do. 'Why's it so dark in here?' and then stumbling into the kiivas and roasting the skin off their feet. When they're finally out of breath from the steam, out they pile and into the snow to cool down. Willies and balls all the way up into the belly at this stage.

Then it's time for housing and money issues: Finnish Kela offers them lists of addresses and tells them to pick one. Into the free apartment they go and there's already mail from Kela, the Finnish welfare body, under the letterbox. Cheques for two-hundred and thirty euros (same as their weekly dole in Ireland you see) and free tickets for the zoo, the cinema, and the parliament house. Later the Finns gather outside Paddy's new front door, singing traditional songs of loss and yearning for the homelands, the breaking of spirit and the emergence of a new sense of Finnish sisu about themselves. Bravery, courage, ready to do battle, but sadly without a country of origin to defend. Ireland, overrun with half the middle east and most of Africa's populations is sinking fast, they're glad to have gotten out just in time to save themselves - with some whispers about how the women and children can come later. If they're still alive what with Jamal and his machete collection getting itchy fingers and a wanton lust for blood and human flesh growing ever stronger.

The Arsefield's lads, all safe and sound in lovely Finland, the world's happiest nation - seven years on the fucking trot - and they just wonder why they didn't think of it sooner:

'This is fucking awesome' - says Roundy, eyeballing all the vintage American roadsters on the highways.
'I'm lost' says Coal Buckett - 'I want to go home'.
'Quit yer yappin'' - says Sham, 'and get away from that yellow snow, you doofus'.
'What in the name of fuck language are these cunts speaking?' asks Jambo.
'Just keep nodding and smiling', says Roundy, 'and don't mention the war'.

Next morning they awake to baskets of fresh fruit and fresh bread.

The raising of the tricolour next to the Finnish standard.

The singing of Amhrán na bhFiann, in English, broken Irish, and gibberish.

Then it's time to pick a wife: all the lovely white and golden-blond ladies parade up and down the side of the lake, flashing boobs and twerking those nice firm buttocks. Roundy gets the small fatty, Jambo gets a trannie, Sham picks a bloke, and Saul's too scared to say or do anything - he's not used to thinking for himself. There's one chick still left after the ceremony and everyone's wondering where Myles is. Then they see him, face down in the water, too much salmiakki and jaloviina, drunk as a lord, cold as a Sami midget lost on the tundras. Two days in and one man down.

Frequent treks over to Iceland and Norway are offered on an almost daily basis in order to bring the lads up to speed with the traditional Nordic lifestyle. Free beer in Norway or Iceland is nothing to be sniffed at, what with it being fifteen to twenty-five euros a pint depending which city you're in and in which season. Watching Paddy trying to build an igloo is made into a hit TV show for the Scandinavians to laugh at. Nordic people, as a rule, don't laugh. They're serious people, not clowns. But Paddy knows how to charm anyone, and so he happily acts out his lapdog role as the village idiot. He hasn't much choice but sure what do you expect when you're a refugee?

Which is exactly what they'll become as soon as they open their fucking eyes and take a look around them.

They'll become the very thing they hate the most: welfare tourists.

Except in their case, they know they're entitled to it.

It's the one subject they're all well-versed in.



'Paddy: The Nordic Green Dream'

Coming this autumn on pay-per-view. Watch as Paddy and Bridie try to learn to ski cross-country style. See them fall and struggle to get back up. Experience second-hand as they try to catch and skin a moose. Laugh along as they try to start the sauna but haven't a fucking clue what's going on. Enjoy the banter as they argue about whose turn it is to dig a new Shitting Ditch.
 
Roundy's now claiming he spent the last ten days on pan-American drive from the Pacific to the Atlantic. To prove it he posted a video of three of the tyres on his off-road rental. Guess where he recorded it? You got it: another fucking car park.


What an utter fucking loser.

He was no more on a pan-American jape than he was collecting some antique furniture for the neighbours for a small fee, the big fat van-driving plonker.

Give it a fucking rest already.

Then Val's in with his epic stories and fake tales of San Francisco. He went to see some totem poles and to get a quick lesson in how to skin a buffalo for meat and warm clothing. In fact, the Natives were/are far more advanced in animal husbandry than Val will ever be. His first test of bravery was to ram his entire left arm up a buffalo's arse without any loob. He was wrist deep before they started shouting at him and telling him to stop - they were only kidding.

Val finished the job anyway.
 


Another great all-American car park in the middle of fucking nowhere.

The van isn't a rental after all - he was hired to drive it across the states because hiring a fat little Paddy-whack gomb is far cheaper than having it delivered by rail or truck. Every car park from the Pacific to the north Atlantic - now home to one of Roundy's little turds. He's too tight to pay for the jacks, so he shits in a bag in the back of the van, then leaves it as a souvenir after necking seven cheeseburgers and three liters of Pepsi in seconds flat.

Cannonball run is right - those cheeseburgers tear through him: imagine the smell off the driver's seat?

Sheeeesh.
 


'I was never in Germany but what a vile kip it has become'

How the fuck would you know then, arm-chair Boy?

You never leave the fucking house and the only Germany you've ever seen is via the little yellow guy on Google maps.

'...with these animals about ......if I lived there...'

You live in the schticks, you pathetic little cunt: Monaghan, the single most grey, bland, miserable, wet, damp, filthy, stinking shithole town on the planet.

'I would definitely carry at least a Stanley with fresh blade at all times..'

For what? To try to get some work in a butcher's shop? To offer to cut people's hair on the streets? To slice into your veins and do us all a fucking favour?

'1000% this cunt is one of the ones Assad wants to hang..'

All this big talk out of you lately merely demonstrates how malleable and gullible you really are, Saul Bucket. You want hangings, shootings, stonings, beheadings, gut-ripping, and hands lopped off? Have you any fucking idea how utterly sad and pathetic you are? In - the whole weekend - yapping about murder and strife, sitting in your armchair armed with a cup of tea and three Marietta biscuits with knobs of butter, with a lace doily under the cup lest it stain the arm rests on the laminated armchair your wife bought on the cheap and had covered before being brought home for you to put in a few hours getting your butt groove sorted for the long haul.

You really ought to read back over your posts across the last year: you went from a meek and mild gopher to murderous villain in a few short months.

Radical Buckett - soldier at arms - ready to fight to the death, as soon as he's finished his tay.
 
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Speaking of Arsefielders, I wonder what the hell Jambo is up to. He must be very busy being a "nationalist".

Mowl said:
Jambo's nationalism: can't speak any language except English and pure bollocks. Hates Irish people, which I'm willing to overlook as I do too. Loves English culture and the closest to Irish culture he finds himself, the more his feet angle themselves at ninety degrees as he mimics Liam Gallagher. Thinks Irish history is worthless old bollocks and refuses to engage with anything historic and Irish.

Speaks a language only the indoctrinated few understand and peppers his comments with tough guy type intimidation, but fails every time. Is single and will remain so until he finds a 100% Irish moth with cash to cover his costs. Has no life outside of online trolling, thinks women playing football is strictly for the gay quarter.

Doesn't have any moral compass, moral convictions, or respect for anything Irish, but demands to right to knock Irish culture every chance he gets. Has no online friends any more than offline friends. Needs a blowjob more than any white man this side of the Rio Grande.

Has a diction and lexicon so peppered with borrowed phrases from The Englishman's Guide To Being A Half-Baked Anarchist it's impossible to figure out what the fuck he's talking about. Is about as interesting as a car crash on the Sneem bypass between two culchies. Has all the originality of thought of a second Valamhic.

Has the personality of a self-loathing Weegie with a broken bottle in his one good hand, and the other picking his nose. Is about as large an embarrassment to Ireland as Ryan Tubridy. Is as boring as the day is long, has one single post which he's repeated non-stop for around eighteen months, and still hasn't made it clear what he's trying to say.

If youtube videos were gold, he'd still be a pauper.

If Telegrams were pork, he'd get food poisoning.

His benefit to this site? Zero.

His benefit to the planet at large? Even less.

His humour quotient? Likely the same as his life savings: fuck all.

A dole head, angry with life and world, probably hated by his own kin, a loner - but not in a good way. A wanker of extraordinary talent with a tissue and a tub of face-cleansing cream of his Ma's. Has about as many fans and as much respect for his efforts as the last mongrel Val slaughtered for supper.

And finally?

He has all the balls of a gimp in a box down in the basement.
 
Speaking of Arsefielders, I wonder what the hell Jambo is up to. He must be very busy being a "nationalist".

That, or perhaps he's returned to his 'counter-Jihadi' days.

Man, how I laughed at that one.

He said it in all seriousness too, which rather equates him with the Saul Buckett-level intellect.

These guys honestly think they're moving mountains by posting this level of pap. 'Real as fuck' says one of them about the site. Okay, there is a site and there are members, and the members post all day on a variety of subjects. But to what end? Does Saul really imagine there are people out there who read his schtick and then pump their fists in the air like something really big just happened? Or Jambo, referring to his past as a warrior on the counter-Jihadi issue, all dressed up in his Adventure Kit outfit with a little torch, a compass, a fake gun with some pop-caps, a plastic knife and sheath on his belt, and a small strap-on lamp to wear on his forehead when adventuring out into the kitchen for another Dutch Gold from the fridge in the depths of the night.



Toy soldiers are more active. Those tiny little grey or black or brown soldiers you could buy and paint their uniforms yourself with tiny tins of gloss paint that got under your fingernails and took a week to wear off. Action men, in little boxes wearing all sorts of uniforms and carrying tiny replicas of classic guns like the Luger and war items like the British Sten gun. I used to clip off the stars on the Action Man boxes and after filling a little official book with them, sent away to England and three weeks later a package would arrive for me full of the little items I ordered, which I then sold in the school yard to the kids who weren't allowed out onto the actual streets of Ballyer, just their back garden - which they turned into a battlefield to have wars with other tiny soldier collectors.

Fantasy games, based on snippets of movies they've seen on the telly: yet I don't recall even one kid setting up the gas chambers to toast the Jews in. They were telling us all about it in school, but what they were saying to us was a million miles away from the reality we saw on The World At War:



It was hard to equate these two things at age eight. Yeah,we all knew the stories, we saw the bits of film and lots of photos of piles of bodies in huge holes in the ground. Or that one guy who stared the Germans down as he knelt beside what was to become his mass grave in just a moment. Fully dressed, arms behind his back, a look of grim determination on his wizened and heavily bearded face, they pop him and down he falls in to naked morass of limbs and ribs and feet. Or that Vietnamese guy who gets shot in the temple at point blank range: no questions, no time-wasting, just a quick pop down he goes, his face all creased up from the bullet tearing through his skull and exiting the other side with most of his brain mass and eye muscles spilled out onto the dusty street in a long wet streak of crimson blood. Business as usual. Another day at the office.

So Jambo's 'counter-Jihadi' days?

What were they comprised of? What did he actually do that defined his actions as counter-Jihadi? He used a different source on Telegram than the trio of clowns he re-posts these days? He dressed up for it in faux military fatigues he bought in the camping and military surplus shops along Capel Street? Likely. How exactly did he counter the Jihadi's? By re-posting memes from here and there? How did the Jihadi's respond to his counter attacks? Run away? Laugh at him? Not even be aware that there's some Irish twat out there posting all this shit he knows nothing about apart from what he was told was true and being the lackey he is, never bothered to do the research for himself.

Perhaps today he's out on some counter-Oasis drill?

His big heroes and second-hand chord merchants are reforming to boost the pension pot. Noel's wife took him to the cleaners, he's broke and he needs the money. Why do these twats fall for this shit? Some backstage groupie decides to stop taking the pill and offers her gash to him: gets pregnant, takes him for all he's got. The oldest story in rock'n'roll. Shafted.

Jimmy would be better off either building his own site to see if he's got what it takes, or else just giving up the ghost and start rimming Roundy's hole for him. That might earn him a back-door entrance into the heart of Irish blogging's most unbelievably stupid fucks ever.

Jimmy, the counter-Jihadi champion of Rubik's Cube: takes off all the little coloured stickers and puts them back on in the correct order.

Then declares himself another great victory in the field - countering those pesky Jihadists.
 
White supremacism is just the other side of the same coin as Jihadism.

Jihadism is the ideological fringe of Islamism. White supremacism is the fringe of right wing racist conservative politics.

Jimbojadism is in another political sphere again. It's what happens to a juvenile mind when it ceases to articulate itself, and only throws up the articulations of others.

And that is a spiral that gets more and more extreme, and it doesn't particularly matter what ideology or religion it occurs under.
 
Dan seems to have banned Myles for some reason.

 


Word to 'Professor' over on the gay bar site, Arsefield's:

You're banging your head off the wall trying to reason with Myles or any of his idiotic cohorts. These culchie knackers are still living in the mentality of the tenements of old Dublin type-mindset. In fact, when Val Martin was running with them, some of them claimed to wear underpants in the shower if their kids were around. They think a traditional sauna is a pedophile play-center. Anything to do with boobs, bums, or willies in public sets the whole lot of them into a foaming-at-the-mouth rage and wanting to hack off arms, legs, nipples, and fingers. They're still in the Dark Ages of old Ireland, these fucking idiots.

it's not enough that they're allowed to/demand to take offense at what they're intimidated by, but they also want to shut down anyone else who feels any different or even those who don't take it seriously. And any who do are immediately branded perverts and pedophiles. In Helsinki, and all across Finland, the Finns hold sauna as a spiritual event, a place of silence and introspection, a means to return to their roots out in the wilds, living off the land and with no neighbours for miles and miles. Hygiene is one aspect, but the ritual of sauna is almost a religion to Finland.

The twats on your site think a mother and father taking their children to sauna is a sexual abuse-type offense. All they can think of is their willies, and it freaks the fucking fuck out of them to even consider nudity as anything but a massive, massive taboo that cannot and should not be breached. A father sitting naked with his children bathing in darkness and hot steam is a crime in their tiny minds. It illustrates very clearly that - even if the Roman Catholic Church are mostly historic these days, that the trip of Catholic guilt did its work on them so long ago and so deep into them, that they still can't look themselves in a mirror without thinking it sinful and depraved.

No wonder they're all fucked up the head. No wonder the sight of bare skin sends them headlong into paroxysms of rage and anger. No wonder they can't even explain it. No wonder they insist on maintaining it unquestioningly as though it's a tenet of the Biblical rules: 'let no god-fearing man hang free his balls in a place of public interaction lest he lose them both to the savagery of the Christ' and all that malarkey. Can you imagine them on the beach getting ready to swim? The panic of exposing their tiny manhood to mocking and laughter from all around? The bellies hanging over the waist of their knee-length swimming togs? The swimming hat on their fat heads? The sheer horror of their wives' wrinkles and flaps? The kids laughing at them?

Arsefield's is populated by some of the most prehistoric/Victorian knuckle-dragging old-timers and semi-retired half-wits ever to congregate in a public place.

Imagine them all naked and lined up? Roundy Kelly - in the nip? Jaze, doesn't bear thinking about. Val, smelling like slurry, his old grey balls down to his knees. Myles, his tiny little todger in one hand and his bottle of English cider in the other? Saul Buckett - waiting for them all to dip a toe into the water so he can rob their clothes and bags and sell them on Monaghan town square? Or Wolf? Poor auld Wolfie: imagine the grunts and groans of him as he reaches down to take off a sock that has more of his DNA in than his own seed? Trying desperately to cover his arse and his tiny uni-ball lest his neighbours see it and take a photo to post on the gay bar site? That guy is and has been very, very angry about something, smething, something since forever.

Conclusion? Tiny little willy, like the little finger on a brand new baby child - and he's mortified by it.

What you're dealing with some of Ireland's most embarrassing curtain-twitching old men with nothing left to live for except moaning about the rest of us.

The good news though is that they're closer to death than any of us, so take some solace in that, Professor.

Anything less would be tragic.
 
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