Listen here, you zit-faced tiny bastard midget: you have as much chance of making it out of Helsinki/Vantaa airport without getting culture shock as I have of climbing Everest. A twat of your scale simply couldn't survive a week up here, especially a winter week. You haven't anything to offer the country, and little rats running off the sinking ship that is Ireland will most certainly NOT be entertained at immigration and customs looking to cash in Finland's social welfare system, which is one of the hardest systems to even get registered on after years of working and paying taxes. You might think you can walk into Finland and start clicking your fingers looking for some action: but all you're going to meet is people who don't understand a word you're saying or why the fuck you're even in their country if not for tourism or work contracts.
Without the Finnish language, you're fucked. And it's one of the planet's most difficult languages to understand, let alone speak. I'm up here over twenty years and I still learn new words every passing day. Yes, my English is excellent, but English is the third most common language in Finland today after Finnish and Swedish. There's a bit of Russian too along the eastern front, but outside of Kallio (Helsinki's bohemian district) English isn't used by people over the age of thirty. So get yourself a Finnish/English dictionary down at Eason's and see how you fare - I can guarantee you right now: you don't stand a fucking chance, kid. Not a hope in hell.
Years back, a caravan of mobile homes and off-road vehicles owned by some members of the Irish Traveling Community landed into Finland at the port of Turku, over in the south-west archipelago. From there they drove up to middle Finland, a city called Tampere. They set up in car park and used the nearby lake for daily ablutions: pissing, shitting, swimming, doing the laundry, washing the caravans. The cops showed up and gave them a look-over. Then left. Next day, the travelers went to a welfare office and started demanding money and food. They were sent packing. So they go back to the caravans, grab a few tools, and battered the heads off ducks and swans and anything else they could trap and cooked and ate the lot. Next day the cops are back, this time in numbers. By the time they got the caravan back on the road south, the damage done was horrific: piss, shit, raw meat, old clothes, washed diesel, dead animals, the lake contaminated from them using it as a toilet for three or four days.
The cops escorted them all the way back to the port of entry and sent the whole shower of savages back to Sweden, where they have no rights at all.
They embarrassed the entire Irish community up here, with films of them destroying the trees and burning them down, shitting in the lake, plucking feathers off geese from the tall grasses, and strings of pegs they dried the clothes on.
You arriving here, you little rat - will have them eyeballing you from top to bottom (which wouldn't take long, you tiny pimple-dunce) and giving you the full welcome over in customs and excise. If you haven't crossed your eyes and dotted your tea - you're out. if you haven't the required amount of security in your account to cover at least three months, you're out. If you can't produce a work contract or clear invitation from a known person/body/private company, you're out. If you haven't any clear qualifications, you're out. In short (like you) you don't have what's required by the system up here. You can't just arrive and say that you're 'looking for a job' and will take an apartment share until you can go solo. Without a job, you won't be allowed in. And even if you are, they want to know exactly where you are, how long you're staying, and what the fuck you're up to. If your exit isn't registered, that means you're now an illegal alien and they'll find you, pack you up, and fuck you the fuck out the country to chance your little arm elsewhere.
You might think '
ah sure, I'll just blend into the crowd and they'll never know..'
Problem there? You can't just disappear into the crowd in a country whose language you do not and cannot understand. You'll stick out like a sore thumb. Or in your case, a big pimple on little stumpy legs. You might think:
'what if I fly into Tallin first, then sail over to Helsinki? The Finnish tourists do it every day, mulitple times every day'. Well, as soon as the ferry docks, you have to choose a lane past customs - and you'll get to use the Schengen line. Which means they're going to take you offside and drill you thoroughly while going through all your details. No friends outside waiting to pick you up? No job contract but loads of applications? Only €2,800 in cash? No Finnish language? No knowledge of the country or culture? No idea where you're staying? No idea of where to start?
'
Oh, I'm only staying ten weeks, I'm entitled to stay up to twelve weeks as an EU citizen'. Yes, but you have to have that visa with you, applying for it on arrival won't work. If they calculate your €2,800 against even the cheapest hostel beds then they'll see you haven't much to eat with, travel with, get by with, so they won't let you in, unless you can convince them otherwise. Even still: your name was registered on your arrival. If that name hasn't been automatically deleted from the data base three months after you got here, then they'll get an error message and now you have Immigration on your tail. Those lads don't fuck about, believe me: I'm here twenty-plus years and every dealing I have with them is fucking exhaustive and extremely complicated.
Best way to move to Finland for you is apply to Santa's village up in Rovaniemi - they're always on the look-out for gnomes and dwarves, midgets and freaks.
I love the way you fucking idiots come out with shit like this like you know what the fuck you're talking about.
'
Hur-durr, Urrland's fucked - tink Oi'll head up to Feenland and live dare unstead..'
The language is the least of your problems, kid - but I'm not.
If I find you up here embarrassing all of us, I'll pop thee like the little pimple thou art.
Hah!
Move to Finland.
Yeah.
Really?
You fucking idiot - try a holiday in the Kalgari instead - whatever the fuck that is, you incredible little douche.
