Australia: The Desert Continent


This guy cracks me up. He's unusual in that he has no compunction talking about what a basket case Australia really is. Of course most Australians hate his guts, so it's no wonder he left and took a seven week flight from the great crap Australian outback over to northern England. Give him a few minutes, this one's a gas - even your man Fishslap over on Arsefield's will have to have a laugh at himself - and his hopeless desert for a country of birth. Not to mention Jambo, who once flew to Sydney for a long weekend: took him four days to get there and another week to get home again afterwards.

So yeah: Australia - what's it good for?

What do they export?

I can't think of a single thing Australian other than sand, heat, giant rats, scrubs, sand, wombats, heat, rocks, Bondi fucking beach, deserts, sand, heat, and beer.

Oh, and Steve Hughes, who also thinks Australia a worthless desert shit-hole peopled by racists, and like me - hates the kip.

No wonder: these giant rats are everywhere:

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Why would anybody voluntarily move to Oz - unless they're a convict with no other choice bar the death penalty? Personally I'd have chosen the gallows.
Why would anybody voluntarily move to Oz - unless they're a convict with no other choice bar the death penalty? Personally I'd have chosen the gallows.

I've no idea. They're all descended from criminals, every one of them. Still, your man Fishslap over on Arsefield's is trying to tell me that Australia's biggest tourist attraction is a factory beside a rock where they pick and then can fruits. Apparently, Australia has a knack for growing mandarins in the desert. People from all over the world go there to watch these kids on their gap year picking apples. And a few oranges.

The current generation of Australians can rest easy after their descendents they did their damnedest to murder the natives: it's not much to be proud of, eh.

This Australian lad, Fishslap - over on Arsefield's - is very easily triggered, the poor fool.

He said earlier:

The Mowl learned what he knows about Australia from a Simpson's episode. It was great by the way lol

Apart from the fact that I don't watch TV, Fishslap.

It's true that the majority of Australia is arid, but that's where it begins and ends.

You're not wrong there, Fish-paste. It begins with sand and rocks and it ends with more sand and more rocks. Australia - 99.99999% sand, rocks, sand, and rocks. A country so empty of life the road builders had to add circular loops in the highways every five thousand miles to keep drivers awake and focused when driving across the endless fucking deserts. Nothing around for miles and miles apart from the giant rats hopping around all over the place, attacking people, attacking passing cars, and killing kids. Big long snakes, giant spiders bigger than my hand, and a horrible accent that makes them sound like everything they say is a question?

Virtually nobody lives in the arid regions of Australia.

Which is 99.9999999% of the entire continent.

Not even the Kooris did before white fellas got here.

See? The natives are second class citizens on their own giant desert.

The majority live on the coasts which are rich, fertile and beautiful.

The coasts of any island are rich and fertile, you big dumb Australian.

In fact due to volcanic activity especially in Northern NSW the soil is incredibly fertile.

Yeah, but nobody wants to live there either, they couldn't GIVE that land away.

There is no ariable land comparable in nutrient quality to this in Finland, and all Australian produce, from Beef to apples, is superior to Finnish produce.

Ariable? Ariable? What the fuck is that? As we can see, the education bar for Australians is set low enough for even the dumbest Ozzie to grasp.

You're now trying to compare a Nordic country to a desert?
You're an idiot.
How would you know what Finnish produce tastes like? You live in a desert.
Tell us anyway, Bruce: why use a capital B in the word beef?

Australia is a far, far, far more diverse and rich country than Finland ever could or will be.

Nya, nah-na, na na: my country is better than your country, nya, nah, na, na, na.

Little tip: Finland is listed by the OECD as 'the world's happiest country' - six years in row. In a row, mind you. Six times. In six years. How many times has Australia been nominated for anything bar being a giant historic open sand prison barren of people but crawling with kangaroos giant rats and snakes?

Especially in terms of natural beauty, and wildlife.

So now sand is beautiful? Well, I guess if it's all you've got then you have to make the best of it.

That and a few rocks next to the piles of shit from the giant rats.

"Nothing Grows" LMAO The farming areas of Gippsland, for example, are larger than the entirety of Finland.

Pahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Nobody knows what or where that is or what you're talking about, you complete fucking imbecile. You can't grow anything on sand. Apart from the piles of kangaroo shit everywhere. Outside of that, you can build sandcastles, but the wind soon flattens them because there's nothing to stop the gales that cut across the deserts and send the tumbleweeds rolling in every direction. Not a drop of rain. Not a cloud in the sky. Just heat, sand, and more heat. And big gigantic rats.

Australia produces a diversity of food that Finland could never possibly match..

Like shrimp for the barbie?

Face it: you come from a fucking desert. All you're short of is a towel around your head and access to an English/Arabic dictionary. Is it hard to shout 'Allahu akbar' in Australian/English? Do you make it sound like a question, as you do with everything else in your accent? 'Allahu akbar? Anyone? No? Eh.....'

Australia exports nothing, apart from people born there desperate to leave. The heat, the sand, the giant rats, the vast unending desert, and more sand.

..and that's because we have literally every kind of growing zone.


Now you're stretching it, kid. You were doing fine for a while there, but being a typical idiot Ozzie, you had to push it too far. Like trying to explain to educated people why your vast deserts and scrub-lands are 'beautiful' and are 'tourist destinations'. Your biggest national tourist attraction is a rock. A big giant rock in the middle of a big giant desert. No wonder your country was selected as an open prison. A big rock the giants rats hop up and down on?

The most famous Australian I ever heard of is Rolf Harris. He was imprisoned for molesting kids. He used his artistic skills to lure children into his den of vile iniquity, then raped them. A child rapist. That's your national hero. The original 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport' man himself, asking you to hold down his kangaroo while he gives it some action up the shitter. A vile man in every possible way, and an Australian folk hero. Best mates with Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter. A regular visitor to Thailand for the kiddie action.

This is the best you've got?

Kylie Minogue and Rolf fucking Harris?


Cold/Temperate regions such as Tasmania produce Truffles, salmon, cherries and all stone fruits/pomes.

There are no cold regions in Australia - it's a desert.

I thought I said that already, no?

There isn't a capital letter in the word 'truffles' either, not unless it's used to begin a sentence.

You Australians aren't very well educated, are you? Must be all that endless fucking heat roasting your arse off while you're sitting there in the classroom looking at Jesus nailed to a crucifix on one wall and a framed picture of Crocodile Dundee on the other. Your ability to use the Queen's English being about as competent as two giant rats fighting over a rock. Or a pile of sand.

Dairy is mostly in Victoria.

You have one town that produces milk?

One town?

Fuck me.

Tropical fruit mostly from QLD and Northern NSW.

You have no exports. None. Apart from sand and people, that's all.


It certainly is as close to hell on Earth as it gets.

locally in my state there's even a tropical fruit tourist destination

There's no such fucking thing as a 'tourist destination fruit farm'. Not unless you have absolutely fuck all else to attract people to spend some money on your barren desert island continent bar a big rock in the middle of it. Nobody travels halfway around the world to watch a mandarin grow. Or to look at a big rock. Surrounded by giant rats. What kind of gobshite takes a twenty-seven hour flight down to the most barren land on the planet to watch some bloke picking apples?

Stop already - you're a hazard to Australian national pride.

Tropical fruit world.

Sounds fabulous alright.

'And over here we have a mandarin, folks. See? Not a small orange, but a man-dar-in - it's a Chinese word meaning 'sand rat''.

Imagine paying out two grand on a twenty-seven hour flight to a fucking desert?

You can get more or less any kind of exotic fruit you like.

Even apples?

How about oranges?



Wow - you must be so proud.

Dragons, lemonades, soursop, abiu, jackfruit, abiu (the best fruit in existence IMO tastes exactly like creme caramel).

Dragons don't really exist. That was just a story by JRR Tolkien. I know they made a screen version of his book but you have to remember that it wasn't a factual documentary, it was a film. Make-believe. Fantasy. Perhaps you were drunk and seeing little dragons flying over the desert? Big mad hallucinations? Anyway, tell us more about these 'lemonade' fruits? Do they come bottled or canned?

As for those other things you listed, neither I nor anybody else reading this ever heard of them.

You're probably making it all up to fatten out your basic argument which appears to be:

'My county's better than yours - nyah-nah-nah-nah-nyah..'

You can't really compare a giant desert to a beautiful Nordic country, you complete fizz-bag. Especially not a Nordic country listed for the last six years as offering the world's highest quality of life standards which include: the world's finest FREE education standards, the world's best FREE healthcare, and the current Number One place to be for the sheer happiness we feel about how everything works, is clean, is safe, is wonderful, and keeps us busting the records in everything we do, making us happier and happier every passing day.


Rolf Harris, Kylie Minogue, INXS (with that dead guy who hung himself with his leather belt while trying to ejaculate (or at least that's what they said: auto-erotic asphyxiation. But if you ask me, I'd say he was hanging himself because he was due to to fly out to Ayer's Rock the next day and couldn't cope with the sheer dreariness of it all)). He'd rather be dead than queue up for an hour and then pay ten dollars to look at a few apples and a mandarin on a white-linen covered table with some bloke standing behind it with a big grin on his chops and a dozen wine bottle corks hanging off the brim of his cowboy hat.

And your most famous ever film is 'Priscilla - Queen Of The Desert'.

What more can I say?
Poor Fish-slap: mortified about being Australian, the poor cunt.

His come-back to this thread from Wednesday, says he:

He's (The Mowl) clearly never been to Australia, which is mostly a paradise.

If an endless desert is your idea of paradise, then you were born in exactly the right country. Thankfully, my time there was brief. The fucking heat. The gigantic rats hopping all over the place. The alcoholism. The violence. The fucking horrors in the killer heat.

Especially compared to Finland, a frozen hellscape.

It comes with our location - just south of the Arctic.

I take it that basic geography wasn't your best subject?

Finland is upwards of 90% white, and is culturally homegenous.

Homegenous? What's that? And hey, when it comes to nationalism and keeping Finland for the Finns (and me) you could learn a lot about how happy 90% of the white Finnish people are not to be swamped by darker skinned foreigners. Arsefield's is the home of your 'all blacks out, kill the n*ggers, burn them out..'

And you have a problem with Finland being 90% white Finns?

Check your head, you big Australian dope.

Half the fuckers you run with on Arsefield's wish with all their hearts they had a 90% white Irish country: but they don't. They're being replaced with anybody they can find due to Irish people being such a puny shower of push-overs to drunk to do anything to save their country and far too addicted to arguing with complete strangers online for nineteen hours a day.

Sad, isn't it?

Australia is a melting pot and quite multicultural.

You certainly could melt steel with the heat down under, and that's for sure.

Unbearable kip of a country. The sheer number of in-bred is astronomical given the typical Australian facial features: skin like leather, eyes in a permanent squint from the brightness of the sun. But at least there are some decent people there: pity they're the original Australians who lived there for aeons before you and your fellow criminals were sent down under for robbing from the Queen of England, who's still your monarch! Hah! Imagine bowing down to the very bitch whose descendants sent your ancestors down under for being criminals?

Ned Kelly - now there's a cultural hero: pity he's Irish and not Australian, eh?

Talk about stones in Glass houses.

Again with the random capital letters. What's that about? We all know Australians aren't the brightest people, they live in a desert after all, but Glass houses? Why the capital G? Are you a bit stupid or what? Or is that the way you fools write?

Australians are knackers, they're the scum of many nations across the world. It's nothing to be proud of, nor is how you treated the Aborigines.

He quite literally lives in one of the whitest places on Earth, both culturally and geneologically.

Which is exactly what your fellow idiots on Arsefield's want for Ireland - but will never have.

For a member of a Nazi-level chat board, you're not too smart, are you?

Literally top 3.


That's probably why it runs so well.

Yes, that's correct - first correct thing you've said.

So it would appear he hates himself, Ireland, and his fellow Fins.

A fin is generally found on a shark's spine.

A Finn is a native of Finland, the world's happiest country - for the last six years running.

But do I - as an Irish born Caucasian - hate Ireland and the Irish? Yes, I do. Of course I do. They're idiots. Losers. No balls. No depth. No sense of anything bar 'kill muh n*ggers, rioting on O'Connell STreet, wrecking their own front garden. Idiots. Losers. I'm now a naturalized Finn and I travel on a Finnish passport. That's a clear indicator of how much I loathe Ireland and the Irish. Chances are that you're descended from an Irish convict. Because you certainly ain't an Aboriginal.

A very angry, confused man.

Hardly - I live in the world's happiest country. You live in a desert.

I don't have any beef with im but if he's going to throw shade at my country like a spiteful yeasty librarian ....


It's amazing how stupid you are. But that applies to most Australians I ever met, apart from the Aborigines, who I found to be highly intelligent, proud, upstanding, and honest to a fault. Your lot? The scum of the desert. You, your family, your giant rats? All scabs. Leeches.

Bottom right hand corner:

Thirty seven edits later - hah hah! Poor Fishslap, hasn't a fucking clue.

Australians, eh?

No wonder they come from down under: they're like crabs on a whore queen.

Lost in the desert.

Looking for Priscilla perhaps?
That Fishpaste lad is certainly stoking the regulars on Arsefield's up.

The militant-level racism is unbelievable.

If I were in Declan's shoes, I'd be watching that site and its users very closely and deleting some hot shit pronto.
I went to see a 'museum' on the east coast of Australia once. It had a few Aborigine artifacts and the bits of a plane that had crashed in a nearby bay in the 1970s. There was a section of the old telephone exchange from the 1950s.

The best I can say for them is that they are sociable and chatty but it gets on your tits after a while. If you are introspective they think there is something wrong with you. I guess it is all that sunshine. I prefer Kiwis to be honest.

Aussies are a bit wearing in that they are in your face all the time. I've no desire to go back there. They make the American mistake of assuming being loud and obnoxious means they are exhibiting 'fun'. They aren't. I wanted to talk to some Aboriginal people but the gulf between them and white people was too wide. You could see and feel the misery. Like a cultural undertow.
I hung out with an Oz lad years back in Dublin. Polish descent, family name Rosnovski, the father was a city mayor, his son a musician and dope fan. He sided very much with the natives and left for Ireland after meeting a few ex-pats down under for work. He told me some pretty nasty stories about the lives they were being forced to live in terrible conditions. The taking away of their children, sending them off to the other side of the desert outback to try to break the spirit of the native people.

A savage nation, not one could endure for more than a couple of days/weeks.

They're not entirely as dumb as your average American, but they're still pretty fucking thick about their history - one they'd all seem happier to delete.

For work, okay - so long as it's not too lengthy a stay.

To live/travel/party?

Fuck, no.

Too many gobshites like that Fishstick guy over on Arsefield's: loud, brash, totally ignorant, thinks Crocodile Dundee's a cultural icon.
Your man Fish-slice over on Arsefield's is having a sadly lonesome Christmas alright. He and Jambo can't stop fixating on The Mowl even at Christmas, even with all the noise, the familiar scents of preparing the turkey and roasting the ham, the dog barking and his nose all excited and hungry. Fish-paste is your typical Australian dick, telling the world in seven hundred words or less how much exactly he doesn't care about The Mowl or anything Mowl says, which he reads as soon as it's published and then dissected over on the gay bar site.

I'm used to being trailed by fans and the like, but what surprises me is how easily I manage to trigger men in the fifty-nine to seventy age group. Val, Declan, Jambo, and now Fish-pie's at it too? These lads are all single men living alone far from any sort of civilization at all. Especially the Fish-stick. It's likely nine hundred miles to his nearest neighbour in the great outback.

They showed Crocodile Dundee on the telly last night - I watched a few minutes of it to see if your man, the main star with a face as leathery as Keith Richards old wallet, still got the girl at the end. Australians are such cheap sell-outs. But I suppose when all you have is miles and miles of dirt and scrub-lands there's fuck all else to occupy your mind. They call it 'going on walkabout' as though to emphasize the fact that they won't be driving, cycling, or flying anywhere. In reality, there's fuck all to see. If you want to know what Australia is really like, try this:

Dig up two stone weight of muck from the back garden, then dry it thoroughly in front of a roaring and crackling Christmas fireplace.
When the muck is dry, pulp and batter it into a soft sand-like powder.
Add in some kangaroo shit and mix it in the kitchen blender.
Spread the mixture across a plastic sheet on the living room floor and take off your shoes.
Heat the clay and roo-shite until steaming hot.
Carefully step onto the sheet in your bare feet and feel the heat rise through your body until you're dizzy.
Take a swig from a can of Foster's lager and keep saying 'g'day, g'day', g'day' until the words lose all meaning.

That's about it.

It may look big on the maps, but most of it is desert and scrub.

Australia's main export is of course fucking eejits.
I see Jambo and Fish-glue are falling in love.

That's nice for them to have someone to care about.

Two drunks who spend their entire day on a gay bar site run by a fat plastic Paddy van driver in Boston.

Imagine the sheer number of man hours wasted (and funded by the dole) on these two useless twerps?

Getting pissed drunk every night on cheap tins of Foster's can have that effect, Jambo.
Aussies are such simple creatures. Give them Beer, Barbie (BBQ), Bondi Beach...and they're as happy as a pig in shit. You'd meet more interesting people in and around Kingscourt than you would in the entirety of Oz.

Val would probably be the equivalent of Voltaire over in Brisbane.
Nah, they're mostly the descendants of Irish criminals.

Here in Helsinki we have ,ɹɐb ǝᴉssn∀ ǝɥ┴, an Australian type inn whose byline beneath the down under/upside down name reminds customers that they will be 'served by the descendants of criminals' (adds a photo of Ned Kelly).

Australians are sort of like Americans but without the consistent obesity.

Their national hero is Rolf Harris, their biggest band AC/DC or INXS (no idea why they capitalize the letters in that shouty sort of way) and their national cuisine based on giant rat kangaroo ingredients for their nightly barbecues. Incorrectly cooked kangaroo meat will soon send you hopping and jumping for the bathroom faster than Beachcombers finding a message in a bottle on the seafront.

When poor auld Skippy died, they shoved a pointy pole up his arse and out his mouth before balancing him over an open fire in a pit on the beach.

Australians love kangaroos like Haitian males in gangs like a leg of man meat dish.

They're fairly backward like that.

Not to mention upside down.
Anyone remember 'Flick' from Neighbours?


Brown eyes, sun-kissed long hair.. Man, I really fancied her. I think she married a billionaire.

She's been in the news recently for this -

Good on her
Sorry, I forgot, you don't have much interest in the fairer sex.

Mowl, dead serious, you should really come out, you are so obviously gay
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