Arsefield's Hall of Shame

[Mowl]

You'd think that one was simple enough to cop on to?

Nah, they thought it was funny - but not educational. So I gave them this, my own personal favourite at 01.40m:



I love the story behind the advert and the guy they ended up using with his lazy eye. The lad they booked was an arsehole who wanted to be treated like a rock star, so they dumped him and hired the guy you see on the spot. He just happened to be hanging around with his board and they liked to cut of him. The other dope went home penniless.

Paddy, eh?

He's some fucking tulip.

 

[Electricity]

Wow, you worked all that out by yourself?

What was it gave the gig way?

The cameras?

The audience?

What?

TV show versus live show

You're so cute, you know?



Well observed - very well observed.



You didn't seem to act like that when you were live on Declan's site.

And as for one-liners?

Remember that?

Yes, do you have a more interesting question?

Well, it seems to be working: everyone's choosing sides too: some are Guinness man, others are Murphy's.

Beamish too, which to me tastes like watered down Guinness.





The last three words of that sentence saved me from another heart attack.



I miss a decent pint alright, but I don't miss handing over €7.50 for a badly pulled one (that I'd offer to pull myself but they wouldn't let me for insurance reasons) but I did tell them exactly what to do and how long to do it. They didn't get it. But then again, lots of pubs (back then) had an automatic pint maker: you just put the glass into place and hit the button and the tap does all the work. Sadly the work was shite in that they pulled the entire pint in one jet.

I showed them a few Guinness ads to show them how we do it:

 

[Mowl]

TV show versus live show

Yeah - but The Bangles are still shite.

Yes, do you have a more interesting question?

How do you feel about Mowl being centre-stage in the world's happiest country, Jambo?

Do you think I just rolled the globe and threw a dart at it when deciding it was time to go?

Or have you finally copped on that my life as a touring musician actually had another more devious (and subversive) plan behind the mask? That I was actually doing something other than playing bars and clubs? That I was looking for the most fertile ground to plant my seed? See, that's the difference between you and me: you can see exactly how you're being fucked over, but you still sit there letting them slap you round the jaw.

I went through all that too, but by the time I was done with the courts and my obligations to my school mates and hometown, I was already hatching plans to get the hell out of there from age thirteen. My parents told me beforehand: 'making your statement is one thing. What comes after that is another thing altogether, but you have choices: you don't HAVE to stay here, you can go anywhere you like with your skills..'

I enjoyed touring all over Ireland and playing pubs and town festivals as a kid with my bodhran. But once I got my passport I was already long gone. I only ever came home to do my laundry, catch a breath, then fuck off again. And of all the places I've been, none appealed to me more than Helsinki and Finland. It was virgin territory. they barely spoke English. They were meek and mild, they were genuinely amazed that I was so interested in their way of life. So I explained to them that catching a wave and being in the right place at the right time is an art, a skill not many possess. In time, it became exactly the right place because to my eyes - most of the elements were already in place - I just had to bridge the gap and find my feet. So as a musician, I kept hitting Helsinki over the years for work and then took to spending my winters here before moving permanently.

It's better to know what to expect than show up like your man over on Pish did: arrived on the Saturday, started work on the Monday, booked a ticket out by the Wednesday, and was gone the next Friday - pockets emptied. A total failure in every possible way.

So yeah - interesting questions - that was it, right?

How does it feel to NOT live in the world's happiest country, Seamus?

Would you like to come up and have a wee sample of happiness, Jimmy?

Ask me anything - I'll answer you honestly, Jambo.

I swear, but..

 

[Electricity]

Here, Jambo - this might keep you amused for half an hour - it's your favourite band of all time after all...

By the way, Mowl doesn't realise that none of that ^ is live (it's a TV show). It's a good mime job though

 

[Mowl]

By the way,

Who are you talking to, Jimmy?

Mowl doesn't realise that none of that ^ is live (it's a TV show).

That's awesome, and of course Mowl knows less about music broadcast than Jambo does.

Everyone knows this: Mowl's far too happy to be cynical.

Or even appreciate the musicality of The Bangles, Jambo's all-time favourite band and his only access to any degree of happiness.#

It's a good mime job though

Like your entire life so, eh.

Poor Shay - he's all banjaxed about Finland winning the happiness trophy.

Bless.

 

[Electricity]

Of course, miming is the norm on music TV shows.

Here's Oasis with their great hit (cementing their position as Biggest Band in the World) on Top of the Pops -



(Hint: Liam's actually the singer and Noel's the guitarist)

 

[Mowl]

Of course, miming is the norm on music TV shows.

Is it really?

Wow.

Here's Oasis with their great hit (cementing their position as Biggest Band in the World) on Top of the Pops -

Yes, everyone knows that hitting Top Of The Pops is the big-time.

Here's Foster & Allen with their great hit (cementing their position as Biggest Band in the World) on Top of the Pops -

(Hint: Liam's actually the singer and Noel's the guitarist)

Oh, I thought Mick was the singer and Tony was the writer.

Still, if it makes you happy, Jambo - then go with it.

Or rather: roll with it.

 

[Electricity]

Is it really?

Wow.

Yes, everyone knows that hitting Top Of The Pops is the big-time.

It's Top of the Pops, google it (I don't make mistakes)

Here's Foster & Allen with their great hit (cementing their position as Biggest Band in the World) on Top of the Pops -





Oh, I thought Mick was the singer and Tony was the writer.

Still, if it makes you happy, Jambo - then go with it.

Or rather: roll with it.

 

[Mowl]

It's Top of the Pops,

I'll take your word for it, Shay.

google it

Nah.

(I don't make mistakes)

You made a huge one letting me slap you around this hard.

But enough about you - let's get back to the core issue: my happiness, shall we?

 

[Electricity]

I'll tell you a bit about myself Mowl.

When I was a young boy, I was kindof the dunce of the class, well, except for the idiot who ran around the classroom during lessons with what we'd probably describe today as having a behaviourable problem or some shit.. but then it got better. Near the end, it got so much better that I was at the top. It was only a small class, about twelve or thirteen of us (Prods, naturally superior to Catholics anyway so it's all somewhat relative) and that was primary school. Then I got to secondary school, do you want to hear more?

 

[Mowl]

Sure, why not?

If it makes you happy then who I am I to deny you such a simple request?

Tell us more - start with the Protestant bit so we're clear as to your earlier/original religious discipline.

 

[Mowl]

Here, is this going to take much longer?

I have some happiness I need to attend to - shift your Prod ass.

 

[Electricity]

Okay, so then I get to secondary school with a bit of trauma involved, in a way, because we had just moved house, a new area, that's actually a wee bit traumatic to a 12-year-old who had spent the years 0-12 in the same place.

Right, let's get you enrolled in the local community school. So I'm doing the entrance exam, basically it was just three tests, Irish, English, Maths and I'm scribbling away during English and Maths and then.. She had obviously noticed it, she being an invigilator, or that's what I would call them later (in college) and she looks at me curiously and says - "Is there something wrong <looks at name tag>, James?"

Because I weren't scribbling no more, I was just chewing my pen looking at the clock..

Do you want to hear some more?

 

[Mowl]

Okay, so then I get to secondary school with a bit of trauma involved, in a way, because we had just moved house, a new area, that's actually a wee bit traumatic to a 12-year-old who had spent the years 0-12 in the same place.

Was your Ma still alive at this point?

I was five when we moved from Chapelizod up to Ballyer: at the time I thought it looked like a holiday camp with all these houses lined up next to each other and the only differences I could see were the colours of paint they all chose to decorate their houses.

When the ex-wife came over to visit the Mammy for the first time, she said the same thing: 'is it some kind of retirement village?'

Yeah, honey - sure it is.

Right, let's get you enrolled in the local community school. So I'm doing the entrance exam, basically it was just three tests, Irish, English, Maths and I'm scribbling away during English and Maths and then.. She had obviously noticed it, she being an invigilator, or that's what I would call them later (in college) and she looks at me curiously and says - "Is there something wrong <looks at name tag>, James?"

Let me guess: something about you ticking all the boxes in record time and having to sit there waiting for your dumb-ass classmates to catch up?

Yeah - I had that too.

Except in my case I didn't give a shit either way what they thought of me. I wasn't going to be anyone's best mate, least of all the staff. So they stuck me in the second from highest grade; not quite with the savages but not far short either. By then I refused to play ball any more. They wanted me for the GAA mostly but I told them I was retired. They asked why: music, art, etc. They gave me a hard time but I said they could wait a year or two and our kid would be eligible for the school team instead of me. I was black-balled but that suited me just fine.

Because I weren't scribbling no more, I was just chewing my pen looking at the clock..

Because you were temporarily spasticated?

Or was it because your 29,006,976,678 IQ was even better back then?

Yeah - of course it was.

Do you want to hear some more?

Well, if the final point you want to make has anything to do with your IQ, then no.

I've heard all that bollocks before - multiple times.

Yet you still can't outsmart me.

Mental, eh?

 

[Electricity]

Was your Ma still alive at this point?

Yes

I was five when we moved from Chapelizod up to Ballyer: at the time I thought it looked like a holiday camp with all these houses lined up next to each other and the only differences I could see were the colours of paint they all chose to decorate their houses.

When the ex-wife came over to visit the Mammy for the first time, she said the same thing: 'is it some kind of retirement village?'

Yeah, honey - sure it is.

Housing estates in Ireland tend to be a bit all of the same

Let me guess: something about you ticking all the boxes in record time and having to sit there waiting for your dumb-ass classmates to catch up?

I don't think you're paying much attention, I wasn't doing anything during the Irish test (unlike the maths and English), that's why the invigilator came over to ask me am I okay.

And I didn't have any classmates (yet), it was an entrance exam(s).. to grade which class one should be slotted into. I guess you didn't have that, they just chucked you straight into retards

Yeah - I had that too.

Except in my case I didn't give a shit either way what they thought of me. I wasn't going to be anyone's best mate, least of all the staff. So they stuck me in the second from highest grade; not quite with the savages but not far short either. By then I refused to play ball any more. They wanted me for the GAA mostly but I told them I was retired. They asked why: music, art, etc. They gave me a hard time but I said they could wait a year or two and our kid would be eligible for the school team instead of me. I was black-balled but that suited me just fine.



Because you were temporarily spasticated?

Or was it because your 29,006,976,678 IQ was even better back then?

Yeah - of course it was.



Well, if the final point you want to make has anything to do with your IQ, then no.

I've heard all that bollocks before - multiple times.

Yet you still can't outsmart me.

Mental, eh?

 

[Mowl]

Yes

Aha, so she killed herself later.

Grand.

Housing estates in Ireland tend to be a bit all of the same

Really?

Amazing to know - truly eye-opening.

I don't think you're paying much attention, I wasn't doing anything during the Irish test (unlike the maths and English), that's why the invigilator came over to ask me am I okay.

Because like me, you weren't taught any Gaelic language for the final two years of primary school, right?

O'Sullivan hadn't a fucking clue about Gaelic, so he didn't bother teaching it and we didn't bother to complain.

if anything, we were kind of relieved of that utterly pointless burden.

And I didn't have any classmates (yet), it was an entrance exam(s).. to grade which class one should be slotted into.

I just told you the same story - except mine came before yours and mine was at least original - unlike yours - which is a second-hand version of my story.

I guess you didn't have that, they just chucked you straight into retards

I just told you the same story - except - yadda-yadda-yadda..

Jambo: you were born a Prod. Then the old Dear topped herself, so your old man took to the drink. Abandoned you, quit his job, turned to gambling on the nags, losing at all-night poker, caught a bad dose from some whore, and battered you as often as he felt was necessary to sate his rage at life giving him lemons to suck on and banana peels to step on. I've heard it all before, kid. Yours is no heroic tale, believe me.

Anyway - I've listened to enough of your bollocks and allowed you to ride my slipstream for an unusually long time today.

You know why?

Because...

 

[Electricity]

Aha, so she killed herself later.

Grand.



Really?

Amazing to know - truly eye-opening.

Because like me, you weren't taught any Gaelic language for the final two years of primary school, right?

Of course you were, you had probably already displayed an inability to learn (or even try to) at a very young age.

The accusation could be levelled at my (primary) school that I wasn't taught Irish well enough because it was Prod.

O'Sullivan hadn't a fucking clue about Gaelic, so he didn't bother teaching it and we didn't bother to complain.

if anything, we were kind of relieved of that utterly pointless burden.



I just told you the same story - except mine came before yours and mine was at least original - unlike yours - which is a second-hand version of my story.



I just told you the same story - except - yadda-yadda-yadda..

Jambo: you were born a Prod. Then the old Dear topped herself, so your old man took to the drink. Abandoned you, quit his job, turned to gambling on the nags, losing at all-night poker, caught a bad dose from some whore, and battered you as often as he felt was necessary to sate his rage at life giving him lemons to suck on and banana peels to step on. I've heard it all before, kid. Yours is no heroic tale, believe me.

Anyway - I've listened to enough of your bollocks and allowed you to ride my slipstream for an unusually long time today.

You know why?

Because...

 

[Mowl]

Of course you were, you had probably already displayed an inability to learn (or even try to) at a very young age.

Yeah, of course I did - which is why I'm still smarter (and happier) than thee.

Sucks, dunnit?

The accusation could be levelled at my (primary) school that I wasn't taught Irish well enough because it was Prod.

Because it was Prod or because you were a Prod?

Did you enjoy spitting on the schoolkids on their way down The Falls Road?

Did it feel good to terrorize your neighbours with your pallet-bonfires?

Was your Da a hit-man, I mean before he became an alcoholic?

And more important than any of that: do you think you'll ever be as happy as me?

Here, try some:

 

[Electricity]

And you've carried this resentment throughout your entire life.

Instead of looking inwards, you're in a constant state of lashing out

 

[Electricity]

So anyway, I got into the second top class (of eight, I think) despite being what I effectively thought was being marked out of 66.6% (recurring).

I can't tell you how morto I was when I first went to Irish. I mean, there were kids in my class who were practically fluent, been to the Gaeltacht n shit. I couldn't have shrunk any lower in my seat..