Dan's attempts at trying to be kewl are so cringey.
Dear Dan,
You're a lame, boring, bourgeois-wannabee old fart with an awful dress sense. You reside in a boring suburban wasteland where you live an incredibly boring, predictable life. Your taste in cars is incredibly lame, you think you're the shit for driving soccer mom SUVs. Your repeated attempts at humour are even lamer and cringier still. You're a boring person, with boring interests, who decided to lead a boring life in an extremely boring place. Your type is more suited to the suburban golf club where other lame, boring old farts such as yourself congregate.
So stop trying to cool and edgy - it doesn't suit you.